My birthday was almost a month ago, but something about becoming twenty-five felt different from becoming twenty-four or twenty-three. It even felt different from entering the twenties.
I've been out of high school for more than seven years now, but there are things in life that I desired back than that I still haven't been able to accomplish. All these years, I felt like I could reach those goals by next year, the year after, and kept postponing things in life (since I am a January birthday girl somehow inevitably new year's resolutions get all mixed up with celebrating my birthday). And now in my mid-20s something did not feel right. I was never really living the moment, enjoying my life as it is, being comfortable in my own skin, in my life.
I guess having studied Psychology and Sociology paid off as I came to understand more and more about who and what motivates me, how I think about my self and my identity, if and how other people have been directly or indirectly influencing my decisions, and whether or not the things that actually felt like they mattered a lot mattered at all. This process started with a lot of blaming--especially on my parents. I was and still am a people pleaser, and a pretty darn good one indeed. So my behaviors centered around what made my parents happy and became a habit, and the identities they attached to performing those behaviors well became my own, only to realize that I am not who they say I am--but I was only a people (parent) pleaser!
Then I realized that whatever influence someone had on me--as a parent, mentor, friend, lover, whatever--I, with my very own personalities and tendencies, made those decision. So then I turned to blaming myself for my stupidity, my inability, so on and so forth. Having had enough of that, I have now accepted that no one on earth really has true business to my wellbeing and happiness than myself, and learned that the most important thing is to learn to take care of what truly matters to me for myself alone. We were all egocentric in our days as an infant, and I need to be purely egocentric in my motivations and goals in life.
Better late than never--mid-twenties seemed to be the perfect transitioning point. Perhaps on my 26th or even on my 36th birthday, I will look back at this blogpost, smile, and then give myself a pat of approval.
"It is unnecessary to heighten the glory of day by comparing it with preceding twilight" ~ Catherine Maria Sedgwick